The Hog Wart Sexpress

This script was used as part of our Labyrinth of Health and Horrors at work last year, and excellently performed by my favorite employee, Colleen.  The theme for the room is sexual health and the script makes ample use of puns...  enjoy!

Harry Potter and the Hog Wart Sexpress

HERMIONE:      Quickly, quickly!  You must get inside.  There are Sementors all around us!  I just got inside myself.

[The students enter the small alcove with HERMIONE.]

                                Latexo Maximus!  There, that will keep the Sementors away.  Have any of you been exposed?  I have some chocolate and information to help you prevent Unexpecto Pregonum.

                                I can’t believe you are all walking around unprotected!  Lord Vulvawart is currently battling Professor Dumblesore and Professor McGonnoreah, and who knows how long they can keep him at bay!  And he’ll surely be here soon, because he’s after my Goblet of Fire!

                                You have to go, but first I will teach you to protect yourself.  It’s a simple spell, really.  And I can demonstrate using…

                                [HERMIONE reveals a dildo called the SWORD OF GRYFFINDOR.]

                                …the SWORD OF GRYFFINDOR! 

                                You must have in your possession the Latexo spell.  We’ll give you some on your way out, so you’ll be prepared.  The first thing you must do prior to using it is check to make sure the spell is not expired, then open it with your hands.  Do not use your teeth, wand, quill, or owl to open it, or you may damage the spell!

                                Remove the spell from its package and place it atop your head.  Be sure to pinch the tip, since a sudden appearance of potion will need some place to reside.  Next, extend your spell all the way down to the base.

                                Now you will be protected from Sementors, Crabbes and Boils, Could-Itch, Syphillis Black, and Lord Vulvawart himself!

                                When you are finished using the protective spell, remove and dispose of it.  But please do not flush it down the toilet as it upsets Groaning Myrtle. 

And I shouldn’t have to remind you to only use one spell at a time, and use a new spell every time you need protection.

The Latexo spell can be used to protect your risk from all sorts of activities, such as going to the owlery to get Head… Wig.

If you need to review more with me later, leave your question in a box on the way out.  My protective enchantment is wearing off!  Go!  Go, quickly!  And remember to protect yourself!