Yahtzee Croshaw's Take on Being Gay in DA2

You know how I made a blog entry about the Dragon Age 2 gay nonsense debate that is still permeating the very crevices of the interwebs?  Well, Yahtzee Croshaw of Zero Punctuation (whose wit and unmatchably fast tongue supercede my own) has written a nice little treatise on the topic wherein he found himself accidentally playing a gay Hawke, regardless of his individual desires to avoid "sausage sandwiches."

Warning, the article may not safe for work (depending on your place of employ) and is excessively British.

Want: Portal 2

I even love this logo.

So, confession time.  I've never played Portal.  There.  I've said it.

It's not because I didn't want to!  It's because the game was exclusive to the Xbox 360 and PC.  I don't have an Xbox 360 (anymore), and I only play games on the computer that are low quality, low comittment.  True, the Orange Box was eventually released for the PS3, but by that time, I'd already almost played the game anyway... 

Well, I haven't played the game, strictly speaking, I just OBSESSED about its existence after first hearing the credits song Still Alive.  I spent hours watching gameplay videos to dedicate all of the GLaDOS' dialogue to memory.  I even got to understand the basic mechanics of gameplay from the demo on Steam and the flash-based fan game.

Look at me: still talking when there's wanting to do.  The sequel to the smash game, aptly and inarguably named Portal 2, comes out April 18, 2011.  And since its being released for the PS3, there's no reason I should miss out on this iteration.

Portal is a first-person shooter, except instead of a gun that kills things, you have a gun that opens portals.  One portal is blue and one is orange.  Leave one, you appear at the other.  So it's a first-person-puzzle game, tring to figure out where the portals should go to help you through the test chambers.  And because of the mechanics, it's also a platformer, and sort of an adventure game.  So it's a first-person-shooter-puzzle-adventure-platformer.  And also, physics and gravity.  It's no wonder this darling of a game wowed so many critics.


Easy enough to understand.  Go in one portal, out another.

 And while gameplay is looks fun and innovating, its the intensely well written GLaDOS character that embodies the game's success.  GLaDOS - or, the Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System - is a sentient computer system which guides you, the test subject, through the various obstacles.  Fair enough, except GLaDOS is sort of crazy.  Not HAL-like, with rational reasons for murder, but truly schizophrenic.  One moment, GLaDOS will recommend your imminent death, and the next she invites you to enjoy cake!

The writing is brilliant, with sincere moments intermingled with GLaDOS' tongue-in-cheek dialogue with the silent player character.  Her taunts are rewards that really complete the Apeture Science environment.  In one particular instance, you are issued a Weighted Companion Cube, which you are told to love and cherish.  By the end of the level, you are instructed to incerate your Weighted Companion Cube.  You are presented this gem of dialogue if you hesitate in your inceration:

"While it has been a faithful companion, your companion cube cannot accompany you through the rest of the test. If it could talk - and the Enrichment Center takes this opportunity to remind you that it cannot - it would tell you to go on without it because it would rather die in a fire than become a burden to you."

"Although the euthanizing process is remarkably painful, 8 out of 10 Aperture Science engineers believe that the companion cube is most likely incapable of feeling much pain."

I feel fantastic and I'm still alive.

When the Portal 2 teaser was released, a familiar disembodied voice greeted us, and it seems GLaDOS is making good on her promises that she is (indeed) still alive.  And she's willing to put our differences behind her, for science.

Harvest Moon

Oh, cows.

Did you know that I used to be a farmer?  Like, I actually farmed things.  Seeds went into the ground, time ellapsed, and then mature fruits and vegetables were picked and sold.  This process taught me three important things:

1. Farming is not a valid career choice for me.
2. There is a point at which you cannot be any dirtier or any sweatier.
3. Video games make things that are chores seem like fun.

There was a time when FarmVille was an insanely popular Facebook game.  Click to hoe ground.  Click to plant seeds.  Click to water.  Click to harvest and sell.  It was a pretty crappy time waster of a game, even for a resource management game, though it probably did teach some basic concepts of profit margins (they game could be even more edu-taining if it had some Drug Wars-esque supply/demand algorythms).  This is not how real farming worked, and whats more, Zynga wasn't the first company to capitalize on the notion of turning farming into a simple point here and do this; it was a Japenese company called Victor Interactive Studio, and localized for the United States by Natsume.

Harvest Moon (or rather, the Harvest Moon series, as there are about a dozen iterations now) was a sprite-based resource management game released for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System in 1997.  You control a young man who must repair a desolate farm, plant crops, make money, and woo a local townswoman to then be your wife.  Resource management describes games where you must balance a finite set of resources (in this instance, it is mostly time and stamina, although there are some aspects of space and money) in order to acheive your goals.  There is no mini-game aspect for planting: just move to where you want the seeds to go and push a button.

Again, I should iterate that this is not how real farming works.

I devoted a great deal of time that I could have actually have been farming to playing this game about farming, which probably says something about me and my generation, but I couldn't help it: the Harvest Moon formula worked. 

You're an open book, Rick.

I've started to play through Harvest Moon: Friends of Mineral Town - or more specifically, its sequel More Friends of Mineral Town.  The difference between the two is that the latter allows you to play as a female farmer and woo one of the male townsfolk.  The game is the same tried and true Harvest Moon.  Gotta clear the weeds and rubble from the farm, hoe the ground, plant the seeds, water the seeds, harvest the crops, feed the chickens, milk the cows, brush my horse... However More/Friends of Mineral Town is a lot more dating sim than the previous versions.

If you want to try your hand at farming, it'd probably be easier to try the above mentioned FarmVille, but you miss out on the nostalgia and (lite) interactive fiction of the Harvest Moon games.

Late for the Party: Gay Romances in Dragon Age 2

The train has left the station on much of the debate from a post on the Bioware forums regarding relationship options in Dragon Age 2, but I have a blog and an opinion, regardless to the fact that I haven't shelled out the $60 the game would cost so I could refine said opinion.  I did play the demo, and I've read a lot from both all sides of this controversy.

TL;DR: On one hand is this dude's assertation that DA2 didn't cater to the "straight male gamer," and a response from one of the writers that it wasn't supposed to, and some petition that's upset that gay characters were oversexualized.  The internet is serious business! 

Games like Dragon Age 2 are role-playing games that use a blend of open-ended interactive fiction and focused, structured narrative to communicate a story.  The open-ended interactive fiction is what has created the problem for DA2 writers, apparently.  With same-sex options intermingled with opposite-sex options for the romance of the hero (Hawke) as a component of that interactive fiction.  But, as interactive as it is, it's still fiction, and it is not an open-ended storytelling experience.  There are only so many paths available.

Compare a situation like that to one of a Dungeons & Dragons campaign, or even a MMORPG.  Herein, the player is able to fully define the character and his or her interactions with all other characters and the environment.  In interactive fiction, the player can choose which path to take, but cannot forge one of his or her own free will. 

When I played through Dragon Age: Origins, I delighted at the opportunity to experience Fereldan as a female elf on my second playthrough.  The way in which characters interacted with me changed, and I enjoyed seeing that perspective.  It does not mean that I in any way want to be a woman, or an elf for that matter.  This rings true, since a majority of gamers (straight male, or otherwise) will play characters of an opposite sex.  Was Tomb Raider designed with the "straight male gamer" in mind?  Was Super Mario Bros.?  How about Ms. Pac Man?

In short, I think the entirety of the debate boils down to someone who self identifies homosexuality as "disgusting" being upset that a male character hit on him while he should have been more concerned about the influx of dragons about to eat him (seriously, think about your priorites, dude).  Fiction tells us a story, and interactive fiction lets us direct some of the ways in which that story is communicated.  The presence of sexuality is not guaranteed to match your own, in fact it would be astounding if it did.  Instead, indulge the opportunity to experience character, which is what role-playing games are all about.

Final Fantasy XIII

To say that I was excited about Final Fantasy XIII is a bit of an understatement.  One of my favorite series had been constantly reinventing itself for years, and now had the opportunity to do so on the PS3, which was the best processor to date!  I nearly wet myself in anticipation of a complicated storyline, detailed characterization, menu-driven combat, and angst!  Bring on the angst!

Instead, what I got was a 40 hour life magnet.  You know, because it sucked 40 hours of life away from me like a magnet would for a metalic object.  In this example, my life is the the metalic object.  Nevermind.  Bad analogy.  Fucking magnets...

Remember that thing that Westley was strapped to in The Princess Bride?  You can't tell because of all the bells and whistles, but actually it was Final Fantasy XIII.

And look, there's Count Rugen mashing the X button.

The game starts off with a disenfranchised soldier and a stereotypical black character on a train, preparing to commit a well-meaning act of terrorism against an imperialist force.  Seriously?  I have no problem reusing story material, but this was a little too copy-paste for even me.  At least the soldier is a powerful female pressence?  Wrong.

Listen, "Lightning," if that is your real name (spoilers!  It's not)...  You have a fold-up gunblade thing, and you clearly went to Cloud Strife's School for Jumping Higher Than is Reasonable for your Musculature and Height, but you are no where near the woman I was hoping you'd be.  Celes would waste your puny ass.  Ashe not only played the part, but looked so much better while doing so!  Even Yuna grew a pair in her dress-changing sequel.  Also, can we please comb your hair?  It's driving me batshit crazy.

Straight on the top, wavy at the bottom.  Why?  WHY?

I had hoped the game would become redeeming, but (spoilers!) it didn't.  The game eventually lets you develop your characters, in a Final Fantasy X sort of sphere grid that was designed by people who were deathly afraid of decision making.  You can pretty much only go one direction, so character customization is pretty lame.

The battles, though, that was the heart and soul of all this.  Who cares how I advanced my characters, just so long as I could tactically and strategically... oh?  What's that?  Auto-battle?  You mean, I don't have to do anything?  I literally just mash the X button and hope that the AI is smart enough to beat ... well, itself, I guess?  If Final Fantasy XII's gambit system was like watching a game masturbating, than this battle system was like watching a game trying to swallow its own tongue. 

If I held out any hope for an engaging story, that was deftly bashed against the rocky walls of inanity like so much else in this game.  To even understand half of the shit going on, I had to constantly stop action and read the obviously detailed Compendium of who was who, what was what, and why I cared.  Except, here's the thing: I didn't care!

I guess I finished it.  It's hard to remember, because I've gone through intensive therapy to forget most of what happened.  The thought of playing the game long enough to get every trophy is beyond insipid.  In an attempt to appeal to what was left of the faith I had in the game, there was an ability to continue playing after you beat the game, pretending that your final boss fight was a figment of your imagination, and now with the ability to fully develop each character's roles.  It was like a New Game + that sucked, and I almost never hate that idea.

I recently put FFXIII back in the PS3 to have another go, but found myself quitting in disgust.  I couldn't even bring myself to a second playthrough.  And, I play through every game, at the absolute least, twice.

So, in short, Final Fantasy XIII certainly broke the conventions (as has been the style of FF games), I've come to know, but not in a good way: in fact, in a bad, bad way.

Re: Puzzle Quest

Being colorblind absolutely sucks when you are trying to play puzzle games.

Staying Old School: GBA Metroid Platformers

I've spent the last week or so replaying games in the Metroid series.  In addition to being an absolute nostalgia-fest, I have been delighted that these games have held up so well.  The games have long held a place in my heart for being easy to learn, but difficult to master: collectible upgrades are hidden in the most unlikely (but fun to find) places, and simple, power-up based puzzles.

Also, your main enemy is a brain in a jar.  How cool is that?

Metroid: Zero Mission is a revamped telling of Samus Aran's first adventure to the planet Zebes, upgraded with Super Metroid-esque power-ups.  The game really shines in its execution of the original Metroid game with the new power-ups.  I was impressed particularly by a sections towards the end of the game that stripped you of many of your power-ups and forced you to rely on stealth.  It was excellently done.

Complete with traditional opening area!

The controls are greatly intuitive, which is excellent considering the Gameboy Advance's limited buttons.  And, given the GBA's capacities, the game is brilliant looking.

For a big departure from Zero Mission, I gave Metroid Fusion a try.  The same Super Metroid mechanics apply, but in this game, Samus is infected with X parasites and it greatly changes some gameplay aspects.  Enemies dispatched release their X parasites which recharge energy and missiles/bombs.  Power-ups are obtained by beating bosses who release specialized X parasites and grant Samus the abilities she once had.

If you are craving a stroll through platform-ville, give either of these GBA games a shot.  Good fun without much commitment whatsoever, you could easily blast through these games within a couple hours.

Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow

One day, I'd like to host a conference about conferences.  A meta-conference, if you will.  One of the sections will be named: "Naming Your Conference Sessions: Using Colons to Extend Your Thoughts Way Beyond a Simple Title."

Konami knows something of the use of the colon.  In its (many) series, the brand name is followed by a colon, in order to create a sub-brand using marketing witchcraft.  While it does cause there to be endless amounts of confusion, the method will seem genius once Pokemon runs out of colors (or valuable minerals), or Super Mario Transdimensionalism is released.  Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow is the focus of my colon related scorn (go on, giggle, you know you want to), which I recently got to play through again.  The game was released for the 32-bit Gameboy advance, which so far as you know is how I played it (and not at all on a downloaded "copy" of the game).

Can you feel the 32-bit love?

If you haven't played a Castlevania game before now, you really ought to, and Aria of Sorrow is a good a place as any.  The series is mired in mythos, but the essential storyline involves you (sometimes you're no one in particular, and sometimes you're a Belmont) and the famous Count Dracula and his castle of undead minions.  Very few titles attempt to go much deeper into things, though they go much, much deeper.  However, Aria of Sorrow (and its sequel, for there must always be a sequel, Dawn of Sorrow) are set at the end of a shit-ton of events that occured over several centuries.

You needn't understand any of this of course.  Jump with one button, thrust or swing weapon with another.  Hold up and use your weapon button for a special ability.  Side scrolling, platformer-RPG, and beuaty considering the 32-bit restriction. 

The fun of the game lies in its Soulset system, which allows you collect souls of fallen foes and equip them to your character, Soma Cruz.  Souls don't always appear, but appear with enough frequency to make collecting them fun, challenging, but not hair-pulling.  The game also features New Game Plus, which is like discovering a remaining Oatmeal Cream Pie when you had expected that you'd eaten all of them, but one remains, glistening, waiting for you sumptiously eat it.

No, serious, I love Oatmeal Cream Pies New Game Plus features, especially when they handicap me just a little bit, so the second (third, fourth, eighty-third) play-through continues to be enjoyable.  Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow acheives this in the same way most RPGs do with New Game Plus: by resetting your level.  You keep your uber equipment, all your souls, but you start back at the bottom, and must climb your way back up.  Except this time you've got a huge glowing white sword and the climb is easier, but still enjoyable.

All in all, since I clearly own this game and was able to find it, and did not in any way have to do anything that is questionably illegal to play it, this was worth the ten hours I spooged into it, and will probably serve me good for a few more on a couple extra playthroughs.  Now, I really must look intro procuring its offspring for the Nintendo DS...

Objection! Ace Attorney Titles

"Objection!"  The famous pointer finger thrust!

This past week, I got to spend a good amount of time playing the most recent Ace Attorney title, Ace Attorney Investigations: Miles Edgeworth.  The series focuses on titular attorney, Phoenix Wright (featured above), and his experiences (which, per its Japanese origins, unsurprising involve a half dozen under-age girls) in defending the innocent from vindictive, perfectionist, whip-happy, coffee-addled prosecutors.

The first three titles, Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney, Ace Attorney: Justice for All, and Ace Attorney: Trials and Tribulations, start with a crash in the murder of Phoenix's mentor, Mia.  Phoenix defends her younger sister, Maya, who is framed as the murderer.  Framing is an intense motif with the series, whether it be Phoenix's best friend, Larry Butz, or even his rival (or friend?), Miles Edgeworth.

Detective Gumshoe, the cutest detective ever.

The series also greatly utilizes the notion of spirit mediums, particularly Maya and her young cousin, Pearl.  This fun supernaturalism really completes the overall un-seriousness of the series.  It's goofy fun at its best, especially when Maya channels her dead sister to enhance her bust in order to get a witness to spill the beans.  A story mechanism, the Magatama, also allows you to "unlock" the secrets of people's hearts to better find the truth.

The end of the initial trilogy is some of the best interactive fiction I've had the opportunity to play through.  The conclusion of each episode is incredibly dramatic and heart-warming.

Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney follows the series with Apollo Justice, a young new attorney who ends up working for the now unemployed Wright and his "daughter" Trudy.  Justice has an ability to sense people's lies using a special bracelet.  The story only briefly keeps with the original trilogy, but continues to be good fun.  This game in particular makes great use of the DS touchscreen by completing scientific tasks (finger print analysis, luminol testing, etc.).

Apollo Justice, a.k.a. Herr Forehead.

Another joy of the series is the music and sound effects.  During pivotal court scenes, the music becomes incredibly dramatic to the point of raising my heart rate, and both your character and current prosecutor will shout out "Objection!" to indicate a turnabout in the case.  The "voice acting," such as it is (the few one word shouts) is actually brilliant.

Finally, the most recent title released (and why I started this epic review in the first place) focuses on Miles Edgeworth, Phoenix's first rival prosecutor.  This game is a significant departure from the original games as you actually move Miles through third person crime scenes.  Also unlike the other games, there is no courtroom drama, instead rebuttals about Edgeworth's logic play out, requiring you to use evidence in order to find the truth.

Edgeworth, and his weird ruffle thing.

All in all, the series is a blast, especially if you're into interactive fiction.  The first three games are incredibly difficult to find, even at GameStop, but they are available on Virtual Console for the Wii.

Minecraft

Oh yeah, I'm back from vacation.

No Flash Game feature today, but I thought you might want to know about Minecraft.

It's not a game so much as an awesome Lego emulator with skeletons and zombies and creepers that attempt to kill you when night falls, so my god you better build yourself a fortification to protect yourself, oh my god they're here, they're here, run, run!

Ssssssssssss....