Zeldas

I've recently been playing and enjoying Skyward Sword, the latest entrant in the Legend of Zelda franchise. And while the gameplay and story and all deserves its own writeup, this review looks at the titular sometimes heroine/sometimes captive that is Zelda.  This look back is spurred by one very noticeable distinction of the newest Zelda.

BANGS.

BANGS.  BANGS.  BANGS.

It isn't as though she is ugly per se - in fact, the half-Twilight Princess/half-Wind Waker blend of realism and cell shading really comes off nicely.  But it's hard to take her seriously with the yellow bangs threatening to suddenly transpose this kindly spirit maiden into a hanger-on for an 80s rock band called The Gorons, singing along to their one-hit-wonder power ballad: You Hookshot My Heart.

Should we have seen this coming, or was it as sudden and unexpected as Rachel's sudden growth of bangs in Glee (which I equally found infuriating)?

The original Zelda.

The Legend of Zelda (NES) featured a very dormant Zelda who you had to rescue from Ganon.  The pictured blond could have easily been mistaken for any other princess.  She has clothing emblazoned with the Triforce.  No silver arrows.  Just a girl, sitting in a dungeon, waiting for a boy to come rescue her.

I can't tell from the artist's rendering if her hair has bangs, or a strange Texas-big-hair quality, or if a Like Like has fallen on her head and is eating her brains out.

The Legend of Zelda II: The Adventures of Link (NES) is equally difficult to discern, as Zelda - stricken by Lupus or fibromyalgia - is bedridden (below) for the entire adventure, far more dormant than even the first game.

"No, Link, not tonight.  I've got a headache."

Triforce earnings are all the rage in Hyrule.

The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past (SNES) gives us a great Zelda, both in sprite format, and in concept drawings.

This is the first time Zelda shows some guts; because regardless to the fact that you rescue her (a sort of theme, up to this point), she's more than willing to suggest escape through a sewer populated by rats.  She's still nobility, though, and as soon as you can drop her off with a local priest, she's off your hands for good, as you trounce across the land trying to defeat evil sorcerers and play mini-games while the priest does god-knows-what to the underage princess.

Let me sing you the song of my people.

There is no Zelda in Link's Awakening (Gameboy), but we do get a lusty little maiden named Marin, who begins the trend of having the Zelda character proficient in a musical instrument and teach you songs (a source of my extreme consternation during Skyward Sword).  Marin, despite being cos-played a ridiculous number of times, looks awfully homely to me.

My main memories from the game involve utilizing a game-breaking hack to travel across the island rapidly.  I also remember playing "Marin's Song" on the ocarina.

Emo Zeldas are Emo.

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (N64) gave us young, pouty Zelda, and adult pouty zelda.  Seriously, ladies!  I mean, I get that this Ganandorf dude is evil, but smile once in a while, will ya?  I mean, I guess young Zelda does have reason to look so unhappy, since she looks like a chemotherapy patient with the weird rag thing on her head.

Spunky!

Wind Waker (Gamecube) gives us Terta, a pirate captain who just happens to also have the blood of the ancient royal line (spoilers) running through her veins.  This Zelda kicks ass and takes names.  She's cell-shaded fabulous and fires arrows like nobody's business.  It's a little sad that she is relegated to background for half the story, but this game is the closest to fulfill my need for a Zelda game where Zelda has to go save Link.

I have a sword.


Around the home stretch, we have Twilight Princess' dark, sword wielding, princess Zelda who lost her kingdom to the oncoming Twilight.

In addition to a beautiful sense of realism that this game offered, this Zelda entrant was the first to feature the monarch with darker hair (very different in comparison with the original's electric yellow).  For most of the game, we see her in a dark cloak, representing the shame of losing her kingdom.

This was my favorite Zelda to date.  She also doesn't know squat about playing musical instruments (or protecting her kingdom, apparently -- too soon)...

I have a harp.  It's like a sword, but harpier.

You might say to yourself that Skyward Sword Zelda's concept art isn't so bad - it's really the gameplay version which drives me crazy.  She is not a badass pirate queen, or even a displaced and captive monarch; no. Skyward Sword Zelda is a whiny, pretentious love-interest for our Link.  But honestly, I'd just assume let Groose tap that.

So, in short - nobody saw bangs coming, but it seems like there's more to Zelda than her hairstyle, and this iteration is a step backwards from awesome kickass heroine, to the days of "I'm trapped in a castle, better wait for Link to save me."