Relevant Zelda/Valentine's Cartoon

Original on DeviantArt by TomPreston

SMBC Books

Are you already thinking about the upcoming holiday season, and what voracious gifts you could bestow upon me in a celebration of my birth, which cleansed you of your sins?

Well, in that case, consider the SMBC bundle of comics, available here: http://smbc.myshopify.com/products/both-smbc-collections.

That's right!  I want to OWN a printed version of comics that I can read for free online.  It's capitalism at its best!  You alone can save the U.S. economy and support nude artists everywhere!

Semester Starts

The semester is really kicking off, what with me working three nights this week until 9:00pm.  Joy.  I promise to get back to playing video games as soon as possible!

The Hog Wart Sexpress

This script was used as part of our Labyrinth of Health and Horrors at work last year, and excellently performed by my favorite employee, Colleen.  The theme for the room is sexual health and the script makes ample use of puns...  enjoy!

Harry Potter and the Hog Wart Sexpress

HERMIONE:      Quickly, quickly!  You must get inside.  There are Sementors all around us!  I just got inside myself.

[The students enter the small alcove with HERMIONE.]

                                Latexo Maximus!  There, that will keep the Sementors away.  Have any of you been exposed?  I have some chocolate and information to help you prevent Unexpecto Pregonum.

                                I can’t believe you are all walking around unprotected!  Lord Vulvawart is currently battling Professor Dumblesore and Professor McGonnoreah, and who knows how long they can keep him at bay!  And he’ll surely be here soon, because he’s after my Goblet of Fire!

                                You have to go, but first I will teach you to protect yourself.  It’s a simple spell, really.  And I can demonstrate using…

                                [HERMIONE reveals a dildo called the SWORD OF GRYFFINDOR.]

                                …the SWORD OF GRYFFINDOR! 

                                You must have in your possession the Latexo spell.  We’ll give you some on your way out, so you’ll be prepared.  The first thing you must do prior to using it is check to make sure the spell is not expired, then open it with your hands.  Do not use your teeth, wand, quill, or owl to open it, or you may damage the spell!

                                Remove the spell from its package and place it atop your head.  Be sure to pinch the tip, since a sudden appearance of potion will need some place to reside.  Next, extend your spell all the way down to the base.

                                Now you will be protected from Sementors, Crabbes and Boils, Could-Itch, Syphillis Black, and Lord Vulvawart himself!

                                When you are finished using the protective spell, remove and dispose of it.  But please do not flush it down the toilet as it upsets Groaning Myrtle. 

And I shouldn’t have to remind you to only use one spell at a time, and use a new spell every time you need protection.

The Latexo spell can be used to protect your risk from all sorts of activities, such as going to the owlery to get Head… Wig.

If you need to review more with me later, leave your question in a box on the way out.  My protective enchantment is wearing off!  Go!  Go, quickly!  And remember to protect yourself!

Portal 2

No beating around the bush: Portal 2 lived up to and exceeded my expectations (which were high).  And here's how:

1.  Simple game mechanics explored by every angle imaginable.

The game play is pretty easy to understand: open up a blue portal, open up an orange portal.  Whatever goes in the blue portal comes out the orange portal.  Lasers, weighted cubes, yourself.  Use the portals to get from the entrance of each area to its exit while evading any obstacles designed to cause your demise.

Any time I'd get stuck on a puzzle (it happened a couple dozen times), the solution was nearly always a simple return to the basics: take a step back and open up some portals.

2.  Stupendous writing coupled with excellent voice acting.

The bar for comedic writing was set fairly high in the original Portal, and I'm delighted to say that Portal 2kept up pace incredibly well.  The three "main" characters have excellent interactions with each other and plenty of great monologue opportunities when interacting with the player character.  But in addition to just being hilarious: the writing creates excellent moments of sympathy for the characters.

And the voice work is exactly what it needs to be.  Each character is full defined and encapsulated within their first few lines of dialogue.

3.  Story, story, story - but don't shove it down my throat.

We also get a great look into Aperture Laboratories and its development, but it is fully at the player's own interest to discover it.  There is very little delivered narrative, but plenty to discover, which earns Portal 2 an A+ in creative writing and story delivery.

And that's just the single player campaign.  Once I've got a chance to play co-op I'm sure I'll be continuously wow'd.  Worth a pick up, indeed!  Though the game was somewhat brief (I bested it in about 6 or so hours, total), I'm sure it'll be the kind of game I play again and again...

Portal 2 Released

I just thought I'd add to the internet ethosphere (I just made that up) of the number of times Portal 2 appeared in newsposts and blogs and the whatnot.  I haven't had a chance to get my salacious mitts on the thing, to be honest, but I'll be plenty excited when the time comes.  All in good time.

I am a bit dubious about the multi-player aspects, mostly because I believe video games are selfish isolations from the cruel, cruel world around us, but I've had some success in some multi-player ventures, so it might be fair to give the dog another chance.

Finally, if I was a professor, I would have sent out this e-mail too:

Best game ever?

I love cats.  I love President Bill Clinton.  I love video games. 

There was a video game made about President Bill Clinton's cat, Socks.  Though unreleased, I will now scower the very depths of the internet to find this gem.

Flash Game Friday: Upgrade Completer!

Fire all lasers!

I think I've spoken before about my love of the meta-game of acheiving things and upgrading things and watching bars fill up to bursting completeness.

You can get a feel for this by playing Upgrade Completer!

Everything is upgradable, even the grammar of the upgrade menu!  You even have to buy certain upgrades before you actually play, and once you do, you'll be rewarded with a fun little shump shooter game.  Eventually, your upgrades make the game batshit crazy easy, but it's totally worth the couple hours you'll throw down in its throws of interest.

Want: Portal 2

I even love this logo.

So, confession time.  I've never played Portal.  There.  I've said it.

It's not because I didn't want to!  It's because the game was exclusive to the Xbox 360 and PC.  I don't have an Xbox 360 (anymore), and I only play games on the computer that are low quality, low comittment.  True, the Orange Box was eventually released for the PS3, but by that time, I'd already almost played the game anyway... 

Well, I haven't played the game, strictly speaking, I just OBSESSED about its existence after first hearing the credits song Still Alive.  I spent hours watching gameplay videos to dedicate all of the GLaDOS' dialogue to memory.  I even got to understand the basic mechanics of gameplay from the demo on Steam and the flash-based fan game.

Look at me: still talking when there's wanting to do.  The sequel to the smash game, aptly and inarguably named Portal 2, comes out April 18, 2011.  And since its being released for the PS3, there's no reason I should miss out on this iteration.

Portal is a first-person shooter, except instead of a gun that kills things, you have a gun that opens portals.  One portal is blue and one is orange.  Leave one, you appear at the other.  So it's a first-person-puzzle game, tring to figure out where the portals should go to help you through the test chambers.  And because of the mechanics, it's also a platformer, and sort of an adventure game.  So it's a first-person-shooter-puzzle-adventure-platformer.  And also, physics and gravity.  It's no wonder this darling of a game wowed so many critics.


Easy enough to understand.  Go in one portal, out another.

 And while gameplay is looks fun and innovating, its the intensely well written GLaDOS character that embodies the game's success.  GLaDOS - or, the Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System - is a sentient computer system which guides you, the test subject, through the various obstacles.  Fair enough, except GLaDOS is sort of crazy.  Not HAL-like, with rational reasons for murder, but truly schizophrenic.  One moment, GLaDOS will recommend your imminent death, and the next she invites you to enjoy cake!

The writing is brilliant, with sincere moments intermingled with GLaDOS' tongue-in-cheek dialogue with the silent player character.  Her taunts are rewards that really complete the Apeture Science environment.  In one particular instance, you are issued a Weighted Companion Cube, which you are told to love and cherish.  By the end of the level, you are instructed to incerate your Weighted Companion Cube.  You are presented this gem of dialogue if you hesitate in your inceration:

"While it has been a faithful companion, your companion cube cannot accompany you through the rest of the test. If it could talk - and the Enrichment Center takes this opportunity to remind you that it cannot - it would tell you to go on without it because it would rather die in a fire than become a burden to you."

"Although the euthanizing process is remarkably painful, 8 out of 10 Aperture Science engineers believe that the companion cube is most likely incapable of feeling much pain."

I feel fantastic and I'm still alive.

When the Portal 2 teaser was released, a familiar disembodied voice greeted us, and it seems GLaDOS is making good on her promises that she is (indeed) still alive.  And she's willing to put our differences behind her, for science.

Flash Game Friday: Achievement Unlocked

Yes, I am on an airplane right now, but I'm writing this in advance, because you need a little diversion on Fridays.  After my rant last weekend on trophies and achievements, I figured Achievement Unlocked and Achievement Unlocked 2 would be the perfect games to feature. 

Here's the deal.  You are an elephant.  Why?  Who can say?  You are in a room.  The room has spikes and blocks and everything you do or interact with (essentially) triggers an achievement.  You fell into a pit?  Achievement unlocked!  You stood still?  Achievement unlocked!  You quit playing the game?  Achievement unlocked!

Hey look!  I achieved things!

What starts as a humorous exercise in the ridiculousness of trophies/achievements quickly turns into an obsession to figure out how to achieve every single one.  There's a list for you to see what you need to do, with hints that border on puzzling, but nothing too challenging.

The real shining point is the sequel, which adds additional rooms to your gameplay insanity, lets you panic (exploding yourself), and gives you the ability to poop out pastries (because, why not?).  It also adds a keyboard, teleporting devices, a slot machine, and a big button!

While the gameplay is sheer platforming, plain and simple, the real fun is in the bizarre achievements the game has set.  If you're a gamer, you should get a few laughs out of it.  And if you're not a gamer, it's still an easy to pick up flash game that has you controling a cute little elephant.